She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
