Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
