Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
