she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
