if you like me you must not know who I am
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
