this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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