babies were throwing up all over the place
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
