got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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