hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
