Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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