I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
there is puke in my bra ... again
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