Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
