thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
and you fell through a lawn chair
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
