Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
