I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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