Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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