I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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