I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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