She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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