She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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