The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
