All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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