the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
