Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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