at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
