I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wish there were birth control emojis
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I had to cum in my sink.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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