When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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