She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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