I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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