Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
