I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
