when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
