Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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