The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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