i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
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I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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