paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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