There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
