there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
