I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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