You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything