my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order