Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND