I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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