I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
