Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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