i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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