Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
