Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
