Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Randomize
