What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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