Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
