I think my fart just growled at me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my shit smells like andre
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
