Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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