Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
