Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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