Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
