you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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